On Saying Goodbye and Grieving..

My Mom
1934 - 2019

So, this summer has not been the best.  In fact, probably the worst summer of my life.  I'm not exaggerating.  At the end of May, my Mother passed away.  That's how I'll always remember Memorial Day.  I knew decisions would have to be made, but they were along the lines of convincing her to return to assisted living, where I felt she would do better.  Two years ago, an assited living facility literally saved her life.  At least, I'll always believe so.  She had a severe reaction to medication and it is my belief that the new doctor (who discontinued the med) and the assisted living facility got my Mom, well, back to being my Mom.  After about six months she was able to return home, where she did well for about a year and half.  Then things started going slightly wrong.  Not like two years ago, but enough to cause worry.  Enough to make me wonder what I should take on and how I should address it with her.  We talked about it.  She wanted to stay at home.  Literally -- she wanted to die at home.  I was still trying to figure out how much to take over, finances, etc, when I got the call.  She had passed away.  In the end, she got her wish and she passed at home. I don't think she even knew it -- she just passed.  We should all be so blessed.

It's been hard.  I'm the Executrix.  I don't think it's the same as when a spouse dies - you stay in the house, you keep the accounts.  I'm literally closing out a person's life and it's sad.  Memories are everywhere, including the city I live (she helped me move here), my house (so many things she gave me), and of course, being in her house deciding what I'm going to keep and what goes in the Estate sale.  Add in closing all the accounts and having to tell person after person she's passed away and provide death certificates and proof that I can do what I'm doing.  Banks still protect the privacy of the dead, which means it's really hard to get information because they won't give it to you until you prove to their satisfaction that they can give the information to you. Taxes still have to be filed.  And, even four months later, it just still seems wrong.  I was lucky -- I visited her two weeks before she passed and spoke with her frequently after I returned home, including the day before she passed.  You'd think it would be more of a comfort that my last words to her were "I love you," but sometimes I just wish I'd been with her or seen her rather than just talking with her.

Kitty Cat
1999 - 2019

And then, when you think things can't get worse, they do.  Shortly after Labor Day, September 5th, I lost my little buddy, my furbaby - my cat.  She was 20 and was my best friend for 19 years.  In my adult life, she was literally the best thing that ever happened to me. She provided company, support, and unconditional love.  In the end, I had to make the decision that I did not want to make, but it's part of the responsibility we take on when we become a pet guardian.  I will always wonder about that, too. It's been about three weeks and the house is not the same.  I hadn't realized how hard it would be to be alone in my home and it's harder than I ever imagined. I can at least come home now without dread, but going to bed is still hard -- she used to sleep on me.  I know there is another little buddy waiting for me, but it will be a while before I take that step.  I need to wrap up my Mom's estate and there is travel that I have to do, so I'll do that.  I'm hoping by Christmas I'm able to welcome a new furbaby into my life.  Sometimes, though, thinking about getting another cat scares me and sometimes thinking about not getting another cat scares me.